Insanity’s Shelf and Other Stories

Since I became familiar with this song (obv. a minute from when it was first released on U2.com, hahaha), it has always been my anthem to other people – now why can’t i accept the reverse and relate?

Tough, you think you’ve got the stuff
You’re telling me and anyone
You’re hard enough

You don’t have to put up a fight
You don’t have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go in alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I… that’s alright
We’re the same soul
I don’t need… I don’t need to hear you say
That if we weren’t so alike
You’d like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

(This is it)
I know that we don’t talk
I’m sick of it all
Can, you, hear, me, when, I, sing
You’re the reason I sing
You’re the reason why the opera is in me

Well hey now, still gotta let ya know
A house doesn’t make a home
Don’t leave me here alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
Sometimes you can’t make it
Best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

Right… we start with resolutions (I suppose, but as you know, I hate that word).  Which reminds me of a snippet from my favourite movie which i shall adjust accordingly…

 I HAVE made a MAJOR DECISION (as we discussed yesterday, or more… I discussed yesterday).  I had to make sure that next year I wouldn’t end up shit-faced every night listening to SadFM, easy-listening for the over-thirties.  I have decided to take control of my life… and blog a diary here.  To tell the truth about myself.  The WHOLE truth.

Resolution number ONE:  obviously lose 20kilos…

Resolution number TWO:  always put last nights panties in the laundry basket.

Equally important:  will find nice sensible boyfriend to go out with.  And not continue to form romantic attachments wo any of the following:  alcoholics, workaholics, committment-phobics, peeping-toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts.  And especially will not fantasise about a particular person who embodies all these things… and for various slightly unfair reasons relating to things that happened in the past, I suspect he does not fantasise about me.  Or maybe I’m wrong…

Now, if you are going to be reading my blog from time to time, you will need some background I suppose.

A prologue will follow in one of the next chapters…

My best friend (and see-er): we will call “Winnie”.

The man who loves me unconditionally, we will call “Mark” (sorry Winnie, I just have a feeling that we should call him that, cos he may just be the one who turns out to be a Mark).

And for now, the final but not least important character, is my X-fiance. We will call him “Professor”.

And I of course, am “Prudence”.

So I woke up this morning with an sms on my phone which I’m not sure I wanted to receive.   I am feeling terribly guilty about things.  What am I doing to this poor person.  And his lovely heart.  ahhh dear… more about that later.

I elected to spend new years eve alone.  Yes, elected.   Told some lies, little ones though, as you do, to avoid people feeling bad and forcing me to join their parties (out of guilt of course).  I think that what happened last night is that all my emotions finally came to a head.  And I expected that to happen.  I honestly feel much better for it.  From today I must make some decisions.  NOT resolutions.  I hate that word.  No one keeps new years resolutions, ffs!  In fact no one I know has ever kept new years resolutions.  Resolution.  What the hell does it mean that word anyways?  That is the noun.  So whats the verb? Resolve.  To me to resolve is to FIX something up (of situation or matter):  well… example: to deal with (a question, a matter of uncertainty, etc.) conclusively; settle; solve: to resolve the problem.  Ok, Pru, lets not get off track here.

So what was I saying… Ahhhh.  Decisions.  Well yes, I will have to make those.

I had a revolution of sorts last night.  The friend that I spoke of earlier who I was channeling?  She as you may recall she has been going through a terribly traumatic and trying time.  She has been ‘closed’ for a while (psychically).   But last night, we connected!  She knew what I was going through, what I was thinking, that I was crying etc, and when she told me that, I withdrew and she could feel it.  Sounds pathetic of me to get so godamned excited about this, but to me that only means ONE THING!  That she is beginning to feel better!!!

I am happy.   Enough with the melancholy and infinite sadness! (hahaha)

Right… now… I must be fair to myself.

Decision 1:

FIND A WAY BACK INTO LOVE…

Yesterday was a strange day. Still feeling a mostly numb.

Went to spend some time on my own at my x-fiance’s place, him being overseas and anyways, I am looking after his cat. I get these stabs of absolute agony when negotiating in my mind my packing up my life at his place. Its been a long time. Almost 8 years. Now how can I be so numb about everything and everyone in my life, but yet this kills me just a little bit. Even though it is completely my decision. To have left I mean. And to not continue with a one-sided relationship. I never want to get back together, that I have wholeheartedly decided. I don’t want that life (or more, lack of life) back. Ever.

Was too sore to write yesterday… aches in every joint…

I’m so tired, I haven’t slept a wink
I’m so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.

I’m so tired I don’t know what to do
I’m so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do

You’d say I’m putting you on
But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm
You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain
You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane
You know I’d give you everything I’ve got
for a little peace of mind

I’m so tired, I’m feeling so upset
Although I’m so tired I’ll have another cigarette
And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
He was such a stupid git.

You’d say I’m putting you on
But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm
You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain
You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane
You know I’d give you everything I’ve got
for a little peace of mind
I’d give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind

Well, debated it to distraction – with THE friend in question.

We have come to the conclusion that I am receiving and projecting her emotions.  As freaky as that sounds… yes!  It IS freaky.  Its been happening to her for years (and although I knew it, I must admit that I never realised how it feels, and she always took a HUGE knock when things were going awry with someone very close to her).  It took her forever to be able to deal with it and channel it and seperate it from her own emotions.  She thankfully successfully did – lucky for her.

I just want to reflect on the past a little bit now.  I was involved in a rather dysfunctional relationship for 3 years (a few years ago, round 98/99).  She was even then my closest friend.  At the time, I didn’t realise how abusive the relationship actually was – or what damage it was doing to me psychologically.  She was with my partner and I a lot of the time, so she saw what was happening.  She physically experienced the terrifying episodes, but never judged, nor commented.  She was my physical and emotional support, but left me to figure out for myself that I needed to escape this disturbed man.  Only now I truly realise what she meant when she said that she ‘went through all the emotions with me’.  It wasn’t just a tired cliche, was it?  No, now I truly see what she had to endure even in that instance. 

The sad thing is that it wasn’t only me that she went through it with.  She herself experienced abuse.  Her mother was involved in an abusive relationship.  So she wasn’t at all new to the concept.  I like to believe that she took some of my hurt away by experiencing everything.  But I hate that she had to go through that all with me.  Its a curse isn’t it?  Now I feel guilty.

And now I have it… or at least we think I do. 

I have to admit.  It feels rather strange.  And I will have to learn to handle it.  Or learn to feel it and accept it, then be able to put it aside or channel it.  Because I am battling with this ‘un-feeling’ feeling – the one of all my emotions buried so deep inside me, inaccessible to me. 

If I don’t learn to handle it soon, it may stuff up future plans.  There is currently a lot of things that hang in the balance –  that are going to directly affect my future. 

So I need to be able to feel emotions and make the right decisions, or I may push away and lose these opportunities forever.

Scary stuff…

WOW.  All I can say is that I have never (that I can remember other than being drug (large doses of prozac) induced) felt this way before. 

Last Friday was a strange day for me.  This sounds strange, I know, but please bear with me for a moment.  

I have a very close friend who is going through an extremely difficult time in her life.  We have always been very close, she and myself.  Her being able to ’see’ things in the past, current and the future, I suppose opens up psychic channels of communication between us – as mind-blowing as that sounds, I can assure you, it is real.  

This friend recently endured a trauma - which directly affected me.  The trauma wasn’t mine to be had.  It was like I TRULY felt her pain.  ALL of it.  All the confusion and all the hurt that she is currently going through.  It was a huge huge surge of emotional pain that built up gradually from when I woke up in the morning.  By about 11.30am, I had to leave the office.  I had to get away to be alone just to weep.  For HER.  It was absolutely mystifying.  I am not the sort of person at all – i feel things very deeply, but keep it completely to myself and bottle everything up.  I can’t cry, however much I try, hahaha.  But that is exactly what I did.

Thereafter, it was as though someone shut down my emotions. It felt like someone walked up to me and switched off my mains.  I felt absolutely numb, as one does after sniveling your heart out.  Nothing strange about that, there is a huge comfort in being sad and crying.  The strange bit is that it is now almost a week since that happened.  And I still feel this numbness.  Perhaps it was a complete sensory overload and the dopamine is no longer being manufactured in my brain.  I’m serious!!! Don’t laugh!

Now this is what is so abnormal.  I am usually overly sensitive by nature.  The smallest things upset me & equally, the smallest things make me happy.  At the moment, I feel NOTHING.  For anything.  And here is the shocker… nor do I feel anything.  For ANYONE.  Only guilt.

This all makes me feel desperately guilty.  There are people that I am involved with (will speak in plural so that I don’t feel that I am singling any one in particular out, haha).  People who need my love and support.  And although I do still love and support them, I really do, I haven’t the benevolence of mind to actually bleed for them at the moment.  And I am passionate about & committed to helping and supporting those I love’s misadventures, trials, and tribulations (they know this, and rely on me) - so this is a numb feeling is a foreign feeling to me. 

And this isn’t even myself being narcissistic.  I couldn’t give a toss about me either.  I feel neither joy nor sadness.  And I am moving towards a phase where I should be dealing with a lot of personal emotional baggage which I have been bottling up.  I have made some life decisions recently which would naturally disengage a flood of emotion… and why is that not happening? 

I make a habit of not dealing with things that life throws at me, I rather dodge them and move on, by dealing with other peoples problems.  I know that this is my major downfall.  Perhaps I know that I have so much of my own discomforts to face now, and that is why I have switched off.

Why is that.  I mean there is so very much going on in my life at the moment, so many changes and things… I just…. I don’t know what is going on with me.  I can’t even feel love towards the new person I supposedly love.  That worries me terribly. Do I really actually not love that person? If so, how can I do that to him? – I hope he doesn’t stumble across this article…

None of us are perfect. But there is someone who is perfect for you.  Accepting less than you want is never the right thing to do – at least not if you want to be happy. You can fake it but why would you want to? 

It seems hard to believe but I believe that the universe is built upon laws of attraction. You’ll get what you give for better or worse. Karma.

So, rather than wallowing in sadness, live your life engaged and aware that love is coming to you… in whatever specific form you need it. When you lose faith, draw upon your life experiences. Haven’t you usually gotten what you needed when you’ve needed it – even if, in hindsight, what you needed was simply a lesson? Yers. Perhaps you are sitting in a situation where you feel like you are floundering and nothing is working out. Wait. Everything will work out as it should.

Just like carob is not chocolate the person you are with but know not in love with won’t kill your craving for the real thing. When you stick around for the sake not being lonely or in an effort to fill the void – you’ll still find yourself longing. Guilt will prevail. In that state of discord, you’ll either wonder what’s wrong with you or blame your mate. You’ll probably do a little bit of both. In that situation, you’re not only depriving yourself of what’s really right for you, you’re preventing the person you’re with from finding their perfect fit too – even if they are still disillusioned by thinking that you are their perfect fit, which is down right cruel.

Just like the law of attraction, the universe dictates that by rather expressing how you feel and going after what you want is the best way to keep your world in balance. In other words, staying in something because you don’t want to hurt someone – or if you’re simply not in love with them – is actually hurting them far more in the long run than honesty would. Because what’s good for you, is ultimately good for cosmic order.

While it may sting your partner initially when you leave, electing to settle for nothing but what works, opens you both up to a happier existence. Finding what you actually want also means being able to give it back.

You can never make anyone happy without being happy yourself and in the end, it’s the giving of love that makes us feel the best (and does the most good)… So why deny yourself that?